so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
barbara walters just said penis...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
