The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
