his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
