I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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