If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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