He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
