i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
