um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
