38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
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