im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
