God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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