i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
