you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
