There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
