True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
