Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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