just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
