Where is the hickey?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
