i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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