Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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