My room smells like vodka and shame
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
