this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
whose parrot is this?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Couch. On fire.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
