The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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