The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
