I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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