if you like me you must not know who I am
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
