I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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