She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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