girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
