Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
