you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
