He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
