Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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