I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
