The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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