And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
