The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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