New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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