We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
