Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
