Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
