what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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