God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
