Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
