whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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