Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
