Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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