just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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