I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
