so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
