i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
