that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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