We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
