I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
