my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
