its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
This house was built for laser tag.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize