she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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