My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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